Q: With my husband working remotely from home, we are always together. Even though I love my husband and we have a good relationship, I feel frustrated that I don’t have the alone time that I used to. What do I do? —Terry from Thousand Oaks
A: It can be a big adjustment to have both spouses spending all day, every day together. What we have found in our therapy practice during this pandemic is that marital relationships that were successful and had good communication prior to COVID are currently doing fairly well, but those couples who had strife and difficulty getting along before are finding their differences being exaggerated during this time.
However, being together all the time can test even the best of relationships. It’s important to talk with your spouse about the expectations each of you has regarding how much time you need apart and together. As therapists, we advocate that people need to be direct and clear with what they need, because no one is a mindreader. What is interesting is that many times one spouse requires more alone time than the other. This should not be taken personally, but rather, recognize that the needs of spouses are different in a variety of areas, including the need for individual space.
Also, we’ve really been encouraging couples to find ways to have fun together to break up the monotony of being inside the house so much. Taking a drive to the beach or up to the mountains for a day can really help keep things in perspective. Just seeing the beauty of creation and breathing the fresh air outdoors is so valuable during a time such as this.
Q: My eight-year-old daughter is really struggling with anxiety during this pandemic. How do I help her? —Teresa from Newbury Park
A: First, it is essential to normalize her feelings. When our kids feel anxious, it can cause anxiety in us, so we typically want to get rid of those feelings as quickly as possible. But this isn’t always the best thing to do. Instead, letting her know that it’s normal to feel afraid when things feel out of control, and then helping her to feel comforted, is a better course of action. When our daughter was younger, there were times when she felt afraid, and we would encourage her to talk about what felt scary to her. Then, we as parents comforted her by using calming words, warm hugs, and prayer. Along with that, we need to help our kids find messages they can say to themselves when they feel scared to calm themselves down, such as “I’m safe,” “I’m okay,” and “God is in control and I can trust Him.” Learning to comfort THROUGH the feelings is far more effective than just denying the feelings or distracting from them.
Rick Shurtz, LMFT, and Karen Shurtz, LMFT, are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who practice in Thousand Oaks and work with individuals, couples and families. If you have a question that you’d like Rick and Karen to answer, email them to [email protected].
